Of pizza delivery boys and gynaecologists...

That's a wrap for Obs and Gynae as well as Paediatrics. I end this splendid year with a gynae joke from one of our professors.

What do gynaecologists and pizza delivery boys have in common?

.....

.....

.....

They both can smell it, but can't eat it.

Keep lol-ing, till my next rotation..

Labour Day

I barely arrived at the Coombe, when a lady had already achieved full dilatation. Within minutes, I was in my scrubs and ushered into delivery suite 6.

Then the screams began. I felt my nails dig deep into my arms as Liz pushed with all her might. Then it stopped. She calmed down as the contractions subsided. So did I.

She was in stage two of labour and was expected to have a normal vaginal delivery.

The contractions continued on for at least half an hour. Then I saw the head. Then the shoulder. Within minutes, a baby girl was born. She weighed 7pounds 6oz and was a healthy baby.

There was minor bleeding. The mother was fine. My arms were slightly scratched due to the pressure from my own fingernails. Again, the mother was fine. I think I bled more than she did.

The whole process was intense. Throughout the pushing stage, I found myself pushing as well, almost willing the mother to push harder. Each time the baby's head surfaced, it disappeared right after the contraction stopped.

By the end of it all I had the urge to go poop from all the pushing. Lol

The parents were absolutely delighted with their new kid. I’ve heard stories on how it is such an emotional experience. Mmeh.

I honestly felt nothing. I guess at this stage, I’m just totally dead inside. The stress of this wretched year was really taking toll on me. Plus it was midnight and I had just started my shift. Happy days...

Bruised Cojones

Professor Foley is a brilliant tutor. His algorithms and approach towards tackling the final OSCEs are nothing short of genius. However, it all comes with a price..

Being the old-school professor he is, fear and abuse is an integral part of his teaching methods.

As per usual, I somehow drew the short straw and was forced to present a history during his weekly tutorial.

Foley: do you know what cojones is?

Me: err-

Foley: Balls! It’s Spanish for balls!

Me: err-

Foley: Right, to do well in the exams, you’ve got to have cojones. If you get nothing else from today, get that point in your head.

Me: Right. (knees starting to buckle) So I’d like to present the case of Mrs. UF, a 52 year old married probation officer from Carlo, who is para 3+0, with her last menstrual period on the 6/5/11. Mrs UF is in the hospital for an elective vaginal hysterectomy....

And then it began. I was tortured for almost an hour, as my colleagues could only stare and take notes. It was all they could probably do as Foley tore me apart, delivering blow after blow to my cojones.

I took one for the team, as the rest of the class took really useful notes on what not to do during the exam day. By the end of the session, my balls were as sore as hell.

Dragon Lady

She is simply known as the dragon lady. Possibly a female version of the Prof, but deadlier.

On Mondays, dragon lady goes through a list of patients in the gynae theatre. I almost ate my heart out when I found out that I had to examine one of her patients.

My partner had left me alone to face dragon lady. She was too scared to even go near the operating theatre. Some friend huh.

It was eerie silent as the theatre staff awaited the arrival of the dragon lady.

The SHO warned me to stay out of her way or risk physical and mental harm. Legend has it that dragon lady once threw a metal cusco speculum across the room to an unsuspecting medical student. I did some stretches beforehand just in case I had to duck and avoid any instrumentation thrown at me.

I kept a safe distance from her, careful not to get burnt by her fiery breath. I was gloved and holding a speculum, ready for my first vaginal exam.

The prospect of putting your finger up in a woman's vagina was less unnerving than the stare I got from the dragon lady when she noticed me.

She had smelt her pray.

"Who are you?" she asked as sparks flew out of her nostrils (just go with it)"

I'm a mm-medical student, my name is..."

"Do you think I care what your name is?"

"errr.."

"What do you think you’re doing with that speculum?! Do you expect to do an exam on this lady? Have you even asked my permission?!!"

My knees went weak. I kept silent.

"Well no use just standing there, get to it!!"

I scurried to the operating table and inspected the patient's vulva. It was normal. The speculum exam was also normal, no signs of uterine prolapse.

Then came the vaginal exam. I parted the labia with my left hand. I then inserted one finger, followed by another into her vagina. It was very uncomfortable and I couldn’t tell what I was doing.

Then came the questions. "So what’s the normal size of a uterus?"

I had no clue. Blank face.

“Are you listening to me?”

“Erm, I don’t k-know”

The Dragon Lady didn’t flinch or look at me.

My eyes were on her hands, ready to duck at any sudden move she made. Somebody gonna get hurt real bad.

Then came the surprise

"That’s actually a very good answer" she said.

My face was like “huh?”

"Too many doctors nowadays pretend to know stuff when they're really better off admitting they're human"...

My ignorance finally paid off.

Saying I don’t know actually saved my life.

Far-tales part 2

Dr CP was going through a neonatal exam. Our patient was 4 hours old, and was sent to the NICU for observation as he was underweight.

"Whooa, that was a big bomb you sneaky fella," she exclaimed as she was demonstrating the moro reflex. Patrick the baby didn't seem to care. He was sleepy.

Then a second 'bomb' was released. This time, she opened the window as it was increasingly clear that Patrick was about to poo.

The onslaught continued throughout the tutorial. Everyone thought it was adorable that lil ol paddy was having the time of his life dishing out fart after fart.

Then came the nappy check.

Surprise, surprise. The nappy was clean.

Little did they know that the silent bomber had struck again. I smiled a triumphant smile. Let's hope they don't come across this blog. Lol

Samuel L Jackson

I kid you not! I had to look twice to make sure that it wasn't really Mr Jackson examining me for the neonatal OSCE. It wasn't. Haha


"Demonstrate the MORO reflex" said the Samuel L Jackson lookalike.

The MORO Reflex

It involves literally 'dropping' the baby, eliciting a 'parachute-like' posture. It is a clinical exam used to assess the baby’s neurogical reflexes. Oh, and after you drop the baby, you're expected to catch it.

It’s one of those pass-fail parameters used to check if one has ‘been around’ in the wards. Anyone who drops the baby immediately fails the exam.

I felt strangely confident as I took my time to position my arm right beneath the 12 hour baby girl. She didn’t even have a name yet. Deep breaths.

I lifted her head. Then her back followed.

It lasted less than 2 seconds. I caught her in my right arm (not as dramatic as it seems). Both her arms flailed out immediately. Textbook moro reflex.

"Perfect, that was good technique you showed there" said Samuel.

I lived to fight another day...

When It's Over...

It has finally ended. The most dreaded year in Med School came to a close. It's been a really, really long year. Ah, Final Med here I come!

My next few posts will be about stuff that went on the past few weeks...

Till then, I need some 'me' time...

Hiatus

The month-long hiatus from writing is almost over. It's been a long year. Saturday marks the end of this torture. Till then, my high energy high protein diet shall continue.