I imagined it to be different. To scream at the top of my lungs. Running around the spire screaming, “FREEEEDUHHM”, Mel Gibson style.

A victorious ‘whoohoo’ was all I did. Relief is probably the most apt word to describe my current state.

I find it touching that people around me seem happier than I am. Their happiness in turn makes me happy.

My celebrations that evening consisted of 6 straight hours of cleaning and cooking. At the rate of about 1 rubbish bag per hour, my ruthlessness in getting rid of all the  junk collected over the years (or memories, depends on how you see it),   would’ve made kakak very proud.

So,  7 years later, the journey ends. Call me doctor. At your own peril.

Oh that stoma....

Its been quiet, not for the lack of events, but the sheer exhaustion in anticipation of the finals creeping up ever so slowly.

Altruism?

Males that choose medicine as a career generally have a higher level of altruism compared to the average population.

A fact highlighted during one of the practical issue lectures I've been having over two weeks.

Interestingly, studies have also shown that the level of altruism drops significantly among doctors who've qualified and practiced over a number of years. The drop is so severe that it sinks even below the average Joe. That’s what medicine does to you.

I feel that I can relate to that.

Dreams

Pre university was all about dreams. Dreaming to be the best of the best, saving lives... the usual mantra that keeps the fire burning. It was always about making a difference; granted, I was on a high, as getting into the medicine program was tough enough. My future had now been mapped over the next 7 years. I was, a highly motivated individual, determined to make the world a better place. Grandiose at times, admittedly.

I find it hard to pinpoint where all this apathy started to take over. But it has. Coming to the end of one journey marks the start of another. And at this point I am a mere three weeks away from completing my medical degree, and it has been an extremely long and tiresome journey.

Motivation towards the greater good has significantly shifted towards getting the freakin thing done and over with.

Priorities

"At this point you're gonna have to try really hard to fail,"

"Your final exam is like being thrown into the water. We want to see you swim, stay afloat. We might throw a few things at you to put you off, but in the end we just want you to swim."

"The knowledge you have now is all you’re gonna have come exam time. It’s not about what you know, you’ve passed the theory part. It’s all about being safe to be let loose on the wards"

"Times have changed. We no longer have to hide in a room to look up stuff we forgot. It’s merely in our pockets. O yeah, everyone needs an Iphone,"

The overall air of nonchalance among my colleagues and teaching staff might also be a factor. People in general have just stopped caring.

This lack of motivation doesn't mean I have given up. Though priorities have shifted drastically. Its no longer 'all about medicine'.

All that idealism I had has been replaced with realism. Some say its just maturity taking over. Some call it burnout.

Mrs Murphy has now turned into 'that stoma patient', Mr McCarthy is just another COPD case. I don’t even know their real names.

The hospital has become a menu, with me picking off a list, choosing which disease I want to learn about today. At the first hint of a “boring” disease or a confused patient, I immediately finish up, wielding the stethoscope as a sign that the session is over.I immediately leave.. No more idle conversations, chit chat, banter...

Have these few 'tough' years really taken its toll on me? I can never stop wondering.